| I no longer use Xanga. I'll keep it running so I won't lose the posts. But if you want to see how I am doing go here:
adanirayperspective.blogspot.com
I love you all |
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| Saturday morning the phone rang while Alex was outside and my mom was in the shower. Our phone announces who is calling, this time my little sister's voice sang out "Nana and Papa!"
My Papa isn't a phone person, his job is to answer the phone, not to dial out. So I answered, knowing it was Nana and assuming she wanted to talk to Mom. But this time, her voice was different. It wasn't the same firecracker, sassy Nana voice, she was sounding sweet and serious.
Background: In June my family flew to Chicago, since it was a weekend dedicated to my cousin Carrie's wedding, my mom, aunt and nana decided that the family would not mention my father's death. Which makes sense. But it was the first time I saw that side of the family since he died and no one told me that decision was made. So I spend 4-5 days with my family who did not mention dad once. It hurt a lot. Once mom told me, I was relieved. Enough people avoid the topic, but my mom's side of the family? Especially my grandparents.
Anyways, Nana isn't one to make small talk if she has a topic in mind. So she begins to tell me about her experience losing her mom and grandparents. And it was the most beautiful talk I've had about losing someone, tied only with my conversation at the pub with Jo
She said that after she lost her grandparents and then losing her mom, she would always smell floral scents when no flowers were around. She believes that when they were around her, she smelled flowers. I don't know if I believe in that, but isn't that a beautiful way to talk about missing someone? She also told me going to the grave and talking to dad helps. She would go and tell her mom about her kids. I cried quietly through the whole conversation. I really needed that conversation.
After it I went into my room and found my 21st birthday card from dad. I didn't mean to, I just saw this card and opened it. He wrote a lame joke on the inside and said he loved me. I started crying. It was then that I looked at my mirror. On an old post it I had written in high school "Thank the Lord for everything, all the time". I ripped it off my mirror and shoved it into the trash. I cannot thank God for this. I can thank Him for Nana's call and Jo and my time at the pub, and miss jo's text messages of daily love, and tyler's daily check in calls, krystal's emails at work, alex's hugs, kathryn's car conversations and my mom's ability to drop everything and come cuddle with me on the sofa. But I couldn't handle the post it. I take immense amount of comfort in the fact that CS Lewis was angry at God too. The whole of chapter 1 of a grief observed is exactly how I feel.
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| i just got caught dancing in my seat at the cafe. some girl with a sandwich is staring at me.
i blame tegan
and sara |
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| I successfully ate a full plate of nachos w/o spilling them on my nice white shirt!
the song "we are the champions" is playing in my mind. |
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| i ran into him again at the cafe- but i think he now knows i tend to stare...
kind embarassed |
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